Rumors of my demise are....

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. Dolly Parton

The recent silent and lack of posting was mainly due to an attempt to keep low and avoid the media feeding frenzy- a curious result of my taking a side trail- off course, and the events that followed.


If you've been following this blog- Unless you were at the international space station, in a cave ( like me) or on the dark side of the moon- you probably heard about my little variation on the official ITI ( Iditarod Trail Invitational) route ( if not, you are welcome to waste the rest of you life reading more then 13,000 Google references) and the subsequent interest in the events.

Now I am sure some folks like so much attention- and I am happy to outsource stardom to them. Me, I reluctantly accepted the 15 minutes of fame quota- but someone got the math wrong- this has been going on for a few weeks now- enough already already.

I will resume posting, and will add my version of events, just so it's on record. I must say it's been fascinating to watch a story take on it's own life, and evolve thru time and space.
Even more so- it's been interesting to read comments and discussions- by experts, well meaning folks, and those who are not afraid to make fools of themselves talking publicly about things they have no idea about- and certainly about events they have not been anywhere near to witness or observe first hand. The best of course- have been the comments filled with humour- such an important element of life and every situation. In particular i enjoyed the following:

From: Bike Snob NYC
Title: When the going gets tough, the smart get naked

.... reading about Mr. Kellner. It turns out he was competing in the Iditarod Trail Invitational, which is one of those ridiculous endurance races in Alaska.

Kellner was riding his Pugsley or whatever other kind of hipster bike those guys use when he fell into a frigid creek. At this point, soaking wet and freezing, he got naked. By the way, a good rule of thumb as you go through life is to always get naked in the event of an emergency.
I do it even if I'm not involved in the emergency myself. For example, when that plane landed in the Hudson back in January, the first thing I did was take off my pants. I'm not saying it helped, but it certainly didn't hurt, and it's a good habit to get into just in case.
Anyway, the next day he made some crampons out of his pedals and climbed a hill. I'm not sure he had to climb the hill, but when you're in a life-threatening situation it's always a good idea to undertake an unnecessarily dramatic task so that it will make good reading if you survive. Also, the article doesn't specify, but I'm assuming he was still naked.
Even smarter, Kellner left a trail of orange Gatorade wherever he went.

This serves two important purposes:
1) it helps the rescuers find you; and
2) it provides an excellent product placement opportunity for the movie.

He also rationed his cheese and energy bars (the article doesn't specify the brand of energy bar, presumably because product placement negotiations are still in progress), holed up in a cave he built out of snow (I assume he used some of his cheese for mortar), and made signals for planes out of his bike's reflectors--which just goes to show that dorkiness can in fact save your life. I'm a little unclear on the timeline, but I think the whole ordeal lasted three days.

At any rate, he got rescued and he's doing just fine. So let's recap. If you ever find yourself in a life-threatening, person-against-nature ordeal with dramatic literary and theatrical potential, do the following:
1) Get naked;
2) Undertake a task such as climbing a mountain, digging a tunnel, or descending into a live volcano;
3) Maximize branding opportunities by incorporating popular products into your struggle to survive.

This should not only get you through unscathed, but also build additional financial value into the experience. By the way, Kellner wasn't the only person to have a tough time at the ITI. Jill Homer, author of the Up In Alaska blog, got frostbite on her toes. (Click here if you want to see frostbitten toes. Click here if you want to see puppies instead.) Now, I'd hate to make assumptions about an event in which I did not participate, but I have to say it sounds like the ITI totally and completely sucks.
I also have to say that, while I respect both Yair Kellner and Jill Homer for their extreme hardiness, I also think they're a dangerous influence. They're skewering people's perception of cold. It's bad enough you can't complain about the cold in New York without hearing from this guy in Minnesota. Now you can't complain about it because you didn't lose a toe or build a snow cave on the way into work. But that's not right. Just because someplace is colder doesn't mean it's not cold here too. Similarly, just because this thing exists doesn't mean I can't say this bike is ridiculous too. We must maintain some standard of sanity!

Link to full post

From the many emails I got- and thank you all- this one made me laugh the most- is by my friend J:

It's titled Drinking In Victoria

Dearest Y

Well any chance of rehabbing my drinking problem was destroyed this weekend. Part of that could be the fact that I was in Daylesford for the gay Chillout weekend which involved a lot of socialising and partying with gay boys............but before all that I went skating on Saturday morning and learnt that you had disappeared somewhere in Sarah Palin's backyard! I had to have a drink to calm myself.

Next thing I knew it was Sunday morning and I was nursing a horrible hangover in the middle of a paddock somewhere in rural Victoria! When I eventually got back into the lesbian capital of a township and cellphone service was regained I had message from my fabulous PA telling me you had been found by a pack of wild wolves or moose or something. Naturally this caused me to have another drink in celebration.....and I continued celebrating for the rest of Sunday! Hello another hangover.

The whole weekend has cost me a lot of money.......and honestly I can't contribute much of that to you.....although I'd like to for the tax breaks! I got back to Melbourne this afternoon and back on the internet only to find you are all over the press. Joan Collins had a tantrum at her Melbourne show and you slept in a snow cave....she's a frosty bitch, you were just cold....still nothing else seems to matter. You were even ahead of the Sydney Mardi Gras.....thousands of gay boys stripped down to nothing to try and make the front page and you upstaged them all wearing more clothes than they have in their entire wardrobe. Kevin Rudd is so relieved.......your story of sliding down a slippery slope has taken the attention off the economy which is heading the same way.....and unlike yourself.....can't seem to pull itself out.

Of course I immediately got on the phone to R and discussed how we are going to sell the book and movie rights to your story. If they can make a hit film about some kids in the slums of India then Oscar glory surely belongs to you next year when the world hears of how you survived on so little food it makes the Indian rubbish scraps look like a banquet.

I'm just waiting on a call back from Madonna to see if I can licence her song 'Frozen' as the theme tune. Of course all hit films now days have to have there token gay character so R, A and I are going to get involved in some bizarre love triangle to add another twist to the film......maybe we'll all end up in the same sleeping bag to keep warm or something.....after all........you put us through all this worry and stress....we deserve some of the glory.

In saying all this crap.....I am very pleased that I will be going to work tomorrow to write insurance policies instead of your eulogy. There are only 2 people in this world that could have survived what you have been through.....one of them is you and the other person is Cher (who is eternal and could survive a nuclear explosion).

I've managed to keep a couple of bottles of wine aside chilling in the fridge ready for your big welcome home party and a long hug!

You are a true champ and make us all realise the value of life and how important great friends are!

It will be great to see you home again.

Lots of love

J

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Normal blogging will resume soon.